Nathan nods his thanks to the security guard, watching in his rear view mirror as the barrier swings back down into position behind him. He’s not even sure why he’s here. Instinct, he supposes, is the only answer. Something feels wrong.
A couple of turnings later through wide, tree-lined streets, he pulls up outside Adam’s house not knowing what the hell to do for the best. Shivering hard as if there’s a ghost on his back, Nathan gets out the car and locks it, pulling his leather jacket tight around him. This shouldn’t be so difficult. They were friends, are friends, he quickly corrects himself, but the initial version lodges in his brain and causes his footsteps to falter.
The house is as dark as the murky sky. There’s no sign of life, which is weird seeing as it’s a school night. The family should be home even if Adam isn’t, but then again maybe they went out for pizza and a movie. Nathan sighs, knowing he ought to turn tail and get the hell out of here. Calling first would have been ideal, but it’s a little late for that now that he’s standing in the front yard looking, for all intents and purposes, like a burglar who’s spectacularly bad at scoping out a property.
There’s no choice now but to ring the doorbell. Nathan steps up to the plate and presses the button, listening to the familiar chime as it echoes in startling fashion around the wooden floors of Adam’s home. When no one answers Nathan curses himself and rings the bell again and again and again. Each time the silent profanities inside his head are getting filthier.
He’s almost on the point of conceding defeat when the door opens a little and Adam peers out. Even in the almost darkness Nathan knows now that he was correct and something is most definitely not right.
“Yeah?” says Adam, keeping the door damn near closed.
“I was…” This is the part Nathan hadn’t bothered to think through. He always was better at improv. “I’ve been stood up and you and beer are my backup plan.”
Something unhappy shifts across Adam’s face and he looks away before speaking. “Next time you get stood up can you give me some advance warning?” The smile never comes close to reaching his eyes.
Nathan inches forward, near enough that he can smell a hint of whiskey fumes and mint. “Come on, man, I thought we were buddies.”
Using determination more than strength, he pushes across the threshold, flicking at the light switch on his way past. The illumination blinds him momentarily but then he looks around. Something about the place is odd but he can’t think what the hell is different.
Squinting slightly, Adam stabs at the electronic panel, dimming the lights to a less startling level then pads through to the kitchen, bare feet making a slight slapping sound on the beech wood flooring. Nathan looks around thoughtfully once more then follows his friend.
“One beer, then you’re going home and I’m going back to bed,” says Adam.
Nathan notices for the first time that the other man is dressed only in a pair of sweats and is rumpled and red-eyed. He looks at his watch, wondering if he’s screwed up the time. Wouldn’t be a first seeing as he’s been in and out of different zones on a series of movie promotion gigs, but no, it’s barely ten p.m..
They sit on the couch, bottles on the table in front of them. Things between them are silent and uncomfortable bearing no resemblance to how it used to be a year ago. The house too is silent and uncomfortable and nothing like it was before. It’s cold. Neat. Too damn neat. Where are the computer games and the books and shoes? The family crap Adam used to look kind of embarrassed about but laugh off. It’s as if the place has been sterilised.
Nathan clasps Adam on the shoulder.
“Don’t,” says the other man, sliding away to the left, eyes focused on the floor in front of him.
“What happened?”
“Please, Nate.”
Nathan hates the desperation in Adam’s voice and his stomach churns a little. This house was always somewhere real. A family that had survived twenty years of Hollywood crap and made it through with flying colours even if they were slightly jaded ones. It’s been a beacon for Nathan to focus on.
“What happened?” he repeats, looking around and trying to find some memento of family life. There isn’t even a framed photograph on any of the shelves.
“What does it look like? She had enough of me so she took the kids and left.”
Is there someone else? Nathan wonders. He can’t imagine anyone not wanting to be part of this man’s life. Adam is geeky and kind and shy and friendly all at the same time. When they first met, the big guy used to hang back looking unsure of himself and it made Nathan hurt somewhere soul deep. After then he always made of point of including Adam in the chatter and the joking around until slowly and surely they became friends. Problem is things have been a little crazy since Serenity finished filming and Nathan hasn’t had as much time on his hands as he did in the good old days. He could kick himself now for not making a couple more phone calls. For not pushing harder when Adam said he couldn’t make it to the premiere of Slither. For not realising there was something wrong before tonight. The guilt runs deeper into cracks and crevices and makes Nathan crinkle inwards with shame.
“She’ll be back,” he says, hating himself for the lie as he looks around at the clinical state of the Baldwin home and knows that she won’t, ever.
The gulping sound of a repressed sob makes the hurt run all the way down to Nathan’s toes. Adam doesn’t cry. Adam is supposed to be there for him: big and strong, a hero worshipping guard dog who always tells everyone how great Nathan is. Adam is a friend he’s used up and thrown away like garbage.
This time Nathan’s not letting the man shy away from him. He pulls him into a hug which is awkward as hell but comforting with it. His fingers dig deep into Adam’s back and he clings and soothes from a selfish need as much as anything else.
“What happened?” he asks for the third time.
“I wasn’t there for her. Didn’t care enough.” Adam’s voice is choked and gritty. Nathan wants to tell him it’s okay to cry it out, but how do you say that to a guy?
“Jesus. Everyone knows how much you care about them all.”
“But I forgot to tell her.”
Nathan looks down at the insipid band where the wedding ring used to sit on Adam’s finger and he wonders if the indent will ever go away. Maybe it’s destined to be there forever as a reminder.
“Things stay the same, at least it seems like they do. She talks and you listen and you talk and she listens and you share. Then she keeps talking but you forget to listen and one day you try to make love to her and she looks at you like you’re a stranger who’s putting his dirty hands where he shouldn’t.”
Nathan doesn’t know what to say for the best, especially when he feels wetness against his neck from tears that are so full of pain they burn like acid into his skin.
“I’m sorry,” he mutters, rubbing aimless patterns across Adam’s back. “It’s not all your fault.”
Nathan has seen the downside as well as the up. Walked in on the pair of them more times than he can count when she was bitching at Adam for drinking too much or not paying her enough attention. He’d thought that was all part of the ebb and flow of marriage.
“Where’re they staying?” he asks.
“Don’t know.” Adam’s voice shatters into broken pieces. “Don’t wanna know.”
Nathan cradles him, rocking him better like he’s a kid with a grazed knee. Sometimes he hates the way Adam continually ducks down and hopes for the best. Nothing is ever made right by playing three wise monkeys.
“Does she have someone else?” he asks, regretting the words when Adam looks at him properly for the first time that night. The hurt in those eyes feels like a stab wound.
“How the fuck should I know? Get the hell out of here. Go. Go the fuck away.”
“No.” This is why Nathan’s here. He needs to make up for all the times that he wasn’t. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Adam fights and clings and cries and Nathan holds on tight because it’s all he knows to do. Finally, an hour--which feels more like twelve hours--later the storm breaks and Adam lies exhausted, breathing fast and erratic against Nathan’s chest.
“I should’ve done more.” The words are like a long drawn out sigh.
Nathan cards his fingers through dark thinning hair and forces his friend to look up at him.
“Listen to me. You’re a good father and you’re a good husband and you tried. It’s all any of us can do.”
Once again Adam fights to get away, but Nathan shifts one arm down then around the man to lock him in position.
“Do you want her back?” he asks, cringing as the question leaves his lips. He’s not making this easy for his friend. Couldn’t he have found some feel good platitudes for christsake?
“I don’t know.”
The honesty surprises Nathan and he wants to discover more, but there are no answers in Adam’s eyes, only confusion. This intimate sprawl they’re wrapped up in reminds him of times from his past that should remain where they belong, but ignoring his feelings has never been one of Nathan’s best attributes. With him it’s always about spontaneity and right now Adam’s face is so very close to his. He brushes away the tears with his thumb and then strokes downwards, feeling a taboo thrill as the bristles of that goatee graze his skin. This is crazy. Adam is his one man cheer squad and Nathan’s never once thought of him as a lover.
Expecting to be pushed away from the intimacy of the touch, he’s surprised when Adam leans in, eyes closing in acceptance of the moment, and Nathan finds he can’t do anything but kiss him. It’s slow and confused and yet there’s a willingness that makes all of Nathan jump up and pay attention. He may never have imagined this before, but the opening of mouths and tentative slide of tongues makes him want it so very very much.
Pulling Adam closer, they squirm down to the left, tangling together on the long low couch that’s just wide enough to allow for making out. This is more than wrong, thinks Nathan as he hooks an arm around Adam’s neck, his right hand stroking up and down Adam’s spine, feeling the jitter of nerves and excitement beneath the skin. How far is this comfort going to go?
“Adam?” he breathes breaking away from the involved kiss. He’s not about to take advantage of a man who’s semi-drunk with third degree bruises from a painful break up. That’s never been Nathan’s style. “Is this what you really want?”
Lurching forward, Adam drags Nathan back into a kiss, his hands fumbling awkwardly to find their way beneath Nathan’s shirt. The shift in position allows Nathan to push upwards with his thigh, and he discovers what he needs to know as Adam presses into the contact, his hard cock urging Nathan on.
Tipping off the couch Nathan gets to his feet, missing Adam’s mouth more than he ever thought possible. Adam stands, pushing up against him then leaning down and brushing his mouth across Nathan’s jaw line as they wrap themselves up in each other and stumble up the stairs toward the bedroom. As the kisses progress from gentle mouthing to insistent foreplay, Nathan introspects and thinks of a shadowy man who lurks at the edges of his masturbatory fantasies. Maybe he has imagined it after all. Sex. With Adam.
The bed is big and crumpled and they tumble onto it in a mess of confused limbs. Nathan winds up flat on his back while Adam kneels over him, reaching out and switching on the light then appraising him with dark eyes.
“God, Adam, please,” Nathan murmurs, voice catching in his throat as his erection pushes up against the zipper of his pants. This slow appreciative stare is turning the temperature up to fever point. He slides the palms of his hands over Adam’s skin, enjoying the softness of the covering of hair as he strokes his way upward. Adam’s nipples harden to his touch and the big man moans beneath his breath then he jolts as if he’s been shocked.
“I don’t think I can.” Slipping over to one side Adam relinquishes control and the heat dies a little in his eyes.
This is what Nathan’s been afraid of since the moment they kissed. “We don’t have to do anything,” he says, slipping his arms around Adam’s waist.
His friend arches into the embrace, and Nathan is left feeling even more bemused by the whole situation. Is this uncertainty to do with the break up of his marriage? For some unquantifiable reason Nathan knows Adam’s no virgin at this.
“I want you. But-” Adam’s voice is quiet and un-Jaynelike. He sounds younger than usual and Nathan finds this under-confidence a big turn on. Pulling Adam closer until their bellies are touching, he initiates more kissing, keeping it soft and slow.
This continues for a long time until finally, filled with the overwhelming desire for more, Nathan takes a chance and wriggles down lower in the bed, fastening his lips around Adam’s nipple and teasing the flesh until it hardens against the tip of his tongue. A fleeting image of Jayne’s tight tee-shirts insinuates itself into Nathan’s mind and he nips gently with excitement, rubbing himself up against the solidity of Adam’s thigh muscle.
Fingers clamp onto his shoulders then move downwards and as they begin unbuttoning his shirt Nathan shivers with need. Suckling more forcefully, he circles Adam’s nipple with his tongue and reaches down to play with the elastic band of the sweats, allowing his palm to brush across the tented material.
Shifting back up the bed, Nathan traces a finger down the side of Adam’s face as he checks to see if everything is okay. This time it’s Adam who takes his mouth, demanding and greedy, big hands stripping Nathan of his shirt and stroking over his skin. It seems as if that wrestling match that’s been going on inside Adam’s head is over and done with -- for now at least.
Once again Nathan reaches down, palming Adam’s erection possessively then breathing in a quick gasp of air as he fights to pull the track pants lower. His head is reeling; he’s so fucking aroused he can’t think about anything beyond that cock and how good it’s going to feel sliding into his mouth, rubbing up against him, pushing inside his body.
“Christ,” he mutters as he frees Adam from his boxers. Shifting downward, he lays curled up on his side his face inches away from Adam’s hard on.
“Pretty,” he says, and it’s true. Adam’s cock is longer than average, impressively thick and cut. Nathan watches a trickle of clear fluid ooze out of the slit and he leans forward to lick it up, his tongue lingering over the glassy smooth, vein free shaft.
Adam groans and pulls the pillow over his face, the pump of his hips the only indication that he wants more. It’s enough of a hint and Nathan obliges, running the flat of his tongue up and down the length of Adam’s cock as he pushes the pants and shorts lower. Cupping Adam’s balls with his palm he squeezes gently, feeling the pulse as the soft skin begins to tighten. Adam’s whole body tenses and Nathan kisses, licks, strokes, praying all the while that’s his friend is not on the way to another bout of self-reproach and denial.
Fighting the urge to speed things up, he continues to explore with his fingers, but takes his mouth away and glances at Adam. The big man is less hidden now, but still shies away from eye contact. Wetting his lips, Nathan gulps slightly from a combination of nerves and longing then dips downward, taking the head of Adam’s cock into his mouth, swirling and tasting until it drives them both crazy.
“Jesus,” growls Adam, bow like tension building throughout his body, and Nathan knows he’s a hair’s breadth away from getting his face fucked raw. What’s screwed up is that there’s a major part of him that wants to be used like that and he digs his nails into Adam’s naked butt showing him that it’s okay. More than okay. Adam’s twitching now, filling with eagerness as well as blood and Nathan slides a finger downward past the small of his back, giving the man another nudge in the right direction.
When Adam finally moves it’s so swift that it takes Nathan by surprise. He almost gags, but manages to retain control, letting Adam smooth out his angst with deep thrusts into his throat. Damn, it’s been a long time since he’s done this but it feels just as good as ever. His memories weren’t deceiving him in the slightest. The burn of the friction and tickle of the pre-come as it slips down his gullet make Nathan’s own cock fill to bursting point. Swallowing down a mouthful of long slippery prick, his hand automatically slides into his pants and he squeezes and plays with himself a little, humping his own fist in anticipation of what’s going to follow. They have all night. Maybe longer.
Maybe not.
“Is everything okay?” he asks as Adam manoeuvres free of his mouth. Caught red handed like a guilty schoolboy Nathan loosens his grip on his erection, feeling the warmth of a blush as his fingers sneak upward. Adam grins, pushing him down onto the bed and the breath that’s become lodged in Nathan’s lungs is expelled when, with one quick flick of his fingers, Adam unfastens Nathan’s pants and pulls both clothing and underclothing free with a flourish. Nathan’s socks become history, flying across the room, ending up lost somewhere in the piles of laundry and he snorts with a burst of laughter which quickly disintegrates into a sigh as Adam covers him with his body and kisses away the hilarity.
“Happy?” asks Nathan, canting his hips to encourage their erections to glide against each other.
“Ask me tomorrow,” says Adam and Nathan’s mind floods with terror. He’s made a mistake, a fucking huge mistake.
“Ask me tomorrow and I’ll feel the same as I do now,” the big man elaborates, but Nathan is still paralysed by fear. He shouldn’t have taken advantage.
Adam rocks against him burying his face in the side of his neck as he kisses and nibbles. The words when they come are not what Nathan expected to hear.
“I’ve wanted this since I met you,” says the muffled voice and Nathan shivers, gooseflesh forming as every spongy tissue in his body fills and hardens.
It’s always been there, he thinks. Sexual tension thinly veiled as best friendship. When he recalls the filming of Serenity what first comes to mind is Adam, muscles honed to perfection, tanned skin, big wide grin as he’s reunited with his cast mates.
Nathan cards his fingers into Adam’s hair pulling him away from his neck and up to his mouth. The kissing, when it begins again, is slow and nervous, sex losing its importance after the guarded admittance of feelings. Rolling them over in the bed, Nathan takes top position, dipping his tongue into Adam’s mouth and slowly allowing his cock to find its own path as it rubs up against Adam’s.
Adam is wearing this expression of unabashed amazement and it trips a switch deep inside Nathan when he thinks of how low the man had been when he arrived at the house. He wants to make things better. He wants to keep making things better.
Bracing himself on both arms, he looks down and watches as his hips thrust and their erections clash together. It elicits a deep groan of pleasure from Adam and Nathan looks up and sees that the other man is as caught up in the moment as he is.
Twisting them over onto their sides Nathan tries to turn off a little; five more seconds at this level of intensity and it’ll be all over and done with, and he plans on keeping this going for as long as possible.
They grind together, pushing each other higher then slowing things back down. All the time their mouths are joined, barely coming up for air as their tongues twist and slide. When Adam pulls away Nathan again feels that momentary sense of loss, but then hisses with pleasure as the bigger man peppers his chest with kisses.
“Chriiist,” breathes Nathan as Adam licks a ring of saliva around the circumference of Nathan’s navel then fucks the indent with his tongue. “Christ almighty.”
Adam tracks lower, tracing the planes of Nathan’s body with his mouth, that languid attention to detail playing havoc with Nathan’s senses. He’s close to coming just from the darting strokes of the tip of Adam’s tongue, but when the soft suck of open mouthed kisses begins he’s lost somewhere between Adam’s bedroom and heaven.
Gripping hold of the sheet, Nathan arches up off the mattress, his balls tightening and aching as Adam’s lips edge ever closer. Fuck, fuck, fuuuuck, he’s gonna come. Not yet. Please, God, no. Miraculously God answers and Nathan slides back down from the edge feeling the pressure valve lessen off inside him. The temptation to grab hold of Adam and fuck him into next week is strong, but instead he breathes deep and relaxes his muscles.
“Stop grinning and get back to work,” he murmurs when everything comes to a halt. Even with his eyes closed he can ‘see’ that smile. ‘Grin time’ lasts a little longer and Nathan hears the faint huff of repressed laughter, but after that the only things on his mind are the warmth of Adam’s breath ghosting over his cock and the anticipation of what will surely follow.
Reality is far better than expectation, Nathan decides once the tip of his cock is enveloped inside warmth and wetness. Tucking pillows under his head, he opens his eyes to watch Adam going down on him and thinks he’s found himself a new religion to follow. The feel of beard tickling his most sensitive skin is exquisite. Stretching upward like a contented cat he gets lost in sensation once again; Adam is talented enough at oral sex to make dirty pictures appear in Nathan’s brain. He rests a hand on Adam’s shoulder massaging the muscle, gripping a little tighter once he begins to see stars.
When those stars start shooting Nathan knows it’s not going to be long before he’s doing the same. Heaving Adam upwards he scrambles to get to his mouth. The kisses are no longer lazy, now they’re all about biting and sucking and clashing of teeth. There’s this unspoken mutual decision to roll over onto their sides then Nathan reaches down and grips Adam’s cock in his fist, wetting his fingers with pre-come then sliding them over the swollen prick. His own cock pulses as Adam mirrors his actions and, still kissing feverishly, they work each other off.
It’s untidy, non-pretty sex, but as far as Nathan’s concerned nothing has felt this good in a long time. Adam’s other hand is trapped beneath them, but Nathan’s is free to roam and he strokes the pelt of hair and pinches both nipples in turn which crinkle and harden at the attention. Adam groans and stills the movement of his fingers. Throwing his head back, he arches his body and fucks Nathan’s fist.
Breath coming in fierce bursts, Nathan quickly spits into his palm then grips Adam’s cock tight and pulls hard, twisting and sliding, the added slick making the hand job so much better. His own balls draw up in extreme arousal as he watches Adam tense and then cry out, shuddering as spurts of thick semen coat Nathan’s hand and drip off their bellies.
Eyes darkened from desire and face covered in a sheen of sweat, Adam rolls onto his back and tugs at Nathan, pulling him upwards ‘til he’s straddling Adam’s chest with his hard-on barely an inch away from Adam’s lips.
Nathan braces himself against the wall and pushes his erection towards Adam’s half-open mouth. His palm is wet from semen and he slips slightly thrusting himself in deeper than he intended, his cockhead bumping against the back of Adam’s throat. Adam hums in approval then sucks hard and Nathan lets go of his worries, relaxing and fucking Adam’s mouth, his fingers jerking at the base of his cock. The release when it comes is powerful. Nathan pulls back a little, watching as his come spatters over Adam’s face and into that open mouth and when he’s finally spent, he collapses in a heap onto the bed.
“Can’t breathe,” mumbles Adam, the words muffled by a large body that’s sprawled across him.
“Can’t move,” answers Nathan, then sighs and with a monumental effort manages to get his limbs working enough to crawl down the bed.
Showering would be good, says a small voice at the back of his mind, but that appears to be null and void when he wakes to discover rays of sunlight skewering his eyeballs. Sometime during the night a sheet has been pulled over them. Nathan pushes it lower and turns onto his side being careful not to disturb Adam. He watches the man sleep for a while, fingers close enough to his face to be almost touching. Gentle breaths puff against his skin and he recalls the overwhelming events of the previous night.
Deciding that the best option is not to dwell on past or future, Nathan quietly gets out of bed and makes his way to the bathroom. Cleaning his teeth with toothpaste on a finger he stares at the reflection in the mirror and wonders if he will look as different to everyone else as he does to himself.
The stinging jets of water and rough limestone tile beneath his feet go part way to reviving him from his sexual hangover and sudden bout of depression. So what if Adam freaks. It’s not as if they ever see each other much any more.
“No big deal,” he says randomly to the faucet as he lathers Adam scented shower gel over his body.
“I think it’s a big deal,” says a voice that’s most likely not going to be the faucet replying, “A nice big deal.”
Nathan leans back against a solid chest and let’s Adam soap up the ‘deal’ which is becoming bigger and bigger under those ministrations. He’s feeling dizzy from absolute relief and sheer terror and everything that falls in between the two. Kissing helps to ease the worries a little as does some intimate washing and by the time they’ve finished showering and are dragging each other towards bed Nathan’s apprehensions have vanished.
“I told you I’d still feel the same,” smiles Adam.
Nathan says nothing for a while as he lies across the bed, raised up on one elbow and contemplates the navy blue feature wall.
“Maybe you’ll change your mind when you see that.” He points his big toe at the sloppy white hand print that stands out above the bed.
“I like it,” says Adam emphatically as he pushes Nathan onto his back and straddles him.
DONE