"No. You're joking." Wash looks somewhat horrified, yet almost fascinated.
"You're getting better, Simon, with making funnies. Starting to fit right
in! Good work!" His last words have an edge of desperation to them.
"I'm not joking." In some ways, he wishes he were. But then again, not really. It's too ridiculous, and he hasn't felt that life was this odd for while. It makes a nice change from the shooting, killing, fugitive, bad food type of odd he experiences on a day-to-day basis.
He's met by stunned looks. Stunned, horrified looks. Except for Zoe. She just looks resigned.
"So – tell us again?" Wash asks, his eyes a little wild. "How did this – it – happen?"
It had happened like this:
After two days of what Simon could only presume was all-consuming sex – not that he'd been thinking about it too much – Mal and Jayne had surfaced for air. And food, most likely.
Somewhere along the way, Mal had come to his senses. Apparently, it had happened while Jayne's hand was on Mal's ass.
It still seems almost unreal that none of the other crew had noticed that anything was awry up until that point.
Simon doesn't hesitate to say outright, "And then things got stupid. Stupider." There isn't a way to properly articulate this, so he sticks with just listing the ensuing injuries and damage. "Jayne's left index and middle fingers are broken. Mal has severe bruising around his right eye and zygomatic arch." Kaylee looks confused, so he clarifies, "His cheekbone. He's lucky the bone didn't splinter when Jayne hit him. With his forehead. Jayne's ribs are cracked. Mal needed fifteen stitches along his bicep."
At least it hadn't deteriorated to knives. Mal's gash had happened when the two of them crashed into a wall, knocking open an access hatch that happened to have a rather sharp edge.
"I'm gonna file down that edge," Kaylee promises. She'd already inspected Serenity for damage.
He's not sure if he should mention the various other bruises and small wounds (teeth marks, most likely), the ones that look like they've undergone some preliminary healing. Maybe it's best not to bother at this point.
Still. There are other things to talk about. "Jayne's twisted his ankle, rather badly. Apparently this happened after he was pushed down some stairs. He won't be immediately mobile, although I have given him something to take down the swelling. He also has a black eye, and that's swollen shut. I don't think there will be any permanent eye damage, but I'll be watching it."
And that's most of it, so he decides it's best to stop now. Despite the aggravation of the last little while, it was almost worth it to see the looks on the crew's faces. Wash's mouth is now hanging slightly open, and he keeps glancing at Zoe out of the corners of his eyes. Kaylee's gaze is fixated on her hands, and maybe she's smiling slightly. Simon isn't certain if it's her reflex expression, the one she uses when she's not sure what else to do, or if she's thinking amusing thoughts.
Zoe had had to break the whole thing up. And she'd threatened to shoot Jayne, until Simon had found himself in the unlikely position of offering up a defense for the man. For Jayne, of all people.
There's a long period of silence.
"And – Mal asked Jayne?"
Simon looks at Wash, and nods. "I witnessed it myself. Repeatedly." He suppresses a shudder at the memories.
"Are you – you're sure? That you didn't misinterpret it? Because Mal can be – he's got his ways of – you know he's – he doesn't even like Jayne!"
Simon can sympathize. "I didn't misinterpret it. He was very insistent."
"I just can't –"
"Insistent with his hands." And for once, Wash seems to be without words. For at least a few moments.
In a small voice, Kaylee says, "Cap can be real pesky when he gets an idea into his head."
Yes.
"But! The idea! Jayne? It's just not – it's so –"
"Honey." Zoe's voice is low, firm, and Wash just closes his mouth. "Don't you have a ship to fly?"
There's another small pause, and then, nodding his head, Wash visibly pulls himself together. "Yes. Yes I do. Thank you for reminding me of this. I will go and occupy my thoughts with work. Work." He gets up from the table. "Maybe we'll hit some weather that will take all of my concentration to fly us through."
"We're in space, dear."
But Wash is already out of the room, and he just yells, "Weather!" Kaylee drifts after him, muttering about fixing up things that got wrecked.
Book had declined to listen to explanations altogether, claiming someone needed to watch over Mal and Jayne while Simon was occupied.
Simon turns to Zoe, because he knows what she's going to ask next.
"Did you dope them?"
"Yes. I did." Because it was just the best way to keep them quiet for a while. Maybe Mal will have come to his senses when he wakes up again.
"And they'll be awake when?"
"A few hours."
"Good." She pauses. "The captain won't take too kindly to being doped."
Simon shrugs. It's not like Mal's going to be able to punch him right away anyway.
"We've got two more days before we land. Are they going to be up and about for the job?"
How amusing would it be if they weren't? Particularly Mal. "Probably. Jayne's ankle may be a problem, but I'll see what I can do. And he may be less useful with a gun for a while."
Nodding, she gets up from the table. "You'd better be clear on your story."
"Story?"
"The one where you say that this all came down to Mal's idea when he was doped from the drinks."
Unbelievable. He'd expected better from Zoe. "It's not a story."
She grins, and he suddenly realizes how close to laughter she's been the entire time. "Keep telling yourself that, because there's no real way the captain will believe you the first time you tell him."
As she walks out of the room, her shoulders held more rigid than usual, she calls out, "You can practice being convincing when you tell Inara all about it. She's due to rendezvous with us in an hour."
Oh. Inara. Oh, yes.
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