Just a reflection
Just a glimpse
Just a little reminder
Of all the what abouts
And all the might have been
Could have beens.


When the call comes from Minear, Adam is buried balls deep in Nathan’s pretty ass.

“I understand,” he says calmly.

“I see,” he says coolly.

“Bye,” he says coldly.

Flipping the phone shut Adam soothes the itch in his brain with a swipe of white off Nathan’s back, the tip of his tongue tingling from the powder that tips the ridges of Nathan’s spine like snow capped peaks. How ‘gorram’ poetical of him.

“Everything good?” asks James coming into the bedroom through the open verandah doors of the beachfront villa in St Kitts that they’re renting for a fortnight. It’s not as if Adam can afford to live like this but with the mood he’s currently in, he’d pawn his wife, kids and the family pets just to get off.

“Yeah, everything’s fucking great.” The laugh comes from way down low, more like his balls than his belly. The big guns have pulled the plug on The Inside before they even had a chance to run all the eps that have been shot. Shooting’s not such a bad idea. He laughs harder and longer.

James kneels on the bed and kisses the powder off Adam’s lips then stiffens him up with a helping hand and a fresh pinch of coke. The taste of James gets him hotter than any drug and he goes back to servicing Nathan with renewed vigour.

When the cell rings again Adam just knows it’s Whedon doing his best to rein him in but James takes over, switching the phone off and kissing away the wetness from Adam’s face. How can he give this up?


Another day
Some other way
But not another reason to continue
And now you're one of us
The Wretched.


Adam never thought he’d enjoy getting fucked so much. Nowadays he’s as much of a whore as James is, and about willing to take cock from anyone. There’s nothing he likes better in the world than being double teamed and Dave’s lime and rum swizzle stick prick tastes fucking great, especially when James is greased up with coconut sun lotion and sliding deep inside him at the other end. All the flavours of the Caribbean mixed together in one long slow screw.

“The talk’s getting talkier,” says Nathan, regulation smirk missing from his face as he makes his way round the pool towards them. “I’ve just got a call from Joss.”

Adam shuts the whine out and concentrates on sucking David’s cock, lapping up the waterfall of cocktail as it spills down over him.

“He told me about your show getting canned,” continues Nathan, teeth clenching tight together, an indication that his patience is beginning to wear thin, “For god’s sake, Adam. I’m trying to have a conversation here.”

Yeah? Christ. Yes. Yes. James takes him harder and Adam pants for it, burns for it. If only he could die this fucked up happy. If only he could die…

“We’re all gonna get killed if we carry on like this.”

Le petit mort. Spunk shoots out of him, dotting the marble tile of the pool surround with added pattern and Adam shudders with fear as someone limbo dances over his grave. James and David pull out of him, simultaneously coating him with extra lotion and he collapses down onto the beach towel wiping his face off on an image of Flipper the dolphin. Seems kind of perverted somehow. Should that be so funny?

The snort of laughter turns into full on hysteria.

“Don’t you dare fucking blow this for me, Baldwin.”

The words are dumb enough on their own but the way they’re expelled from Nathan’s mouth in this B movie snarl makes Adam laugh ‘til he’s doubled over on his side like a dying foetus.

Hands around his neck are the first indication that this isn’t all for shits and giggles. Adam rolls onto his back, his insides still hurting from the hysteria and he tries to push Nathan off him but the fleshy pads of the man’s thumbs dig deep into his throat.

Gasping for breath, he struggles, his balled up fist landing a lucky punch to Nathan’s temple. There’s not enough power behind it to do any damage but it catches Nathan off guard and Adam takes advantage, body twisting around until he’s on his front, having to fight real hard just for the privilege of being degraded enough to crawl away from this shit. Nathan’s quick though, no drink and drugs racing through his system to muzzy everything up. He’s onto Adam lightning fast. Or is it just that Adam has become so very slow? Slow. Down. Stop.

Nathan hooks an arm around Adam’s throat and pulls his head back. He’s still on all fours and Nate is covering him in blanket of sweaty nakedness until it feels as if he’s drowning -- hard and leaking, drowning on an overdose (lack) of senses (sense).

Stop. Please. Stop. Don’t. Please don’t stop.

“Serenity is our ride.” Nathan’s voice has changed; sticky sweet sentences full of cajoling words that are ripe with promise. “It’s a chance. A real chance. I need it, Adam.”

Warm soft flesh begins to harden and rock against his ass.

“I need it.”

Nathan’s shooting from the hip, packing sugar-coated words alongside the temptation of sex and, Christ, if it doesn’t get Adam hornier than when he was thirteen and fucking his fist in his bedroom all night long.

“I. Need. It.”

Teeth grip his earlobe and pull gently and he feels a surge of liquid spill out of his cock, drip, dribble, trickle. Soon he’ll drip, dribble, trickle away to nothing.

Still wet and open from being fucked by David and then James, Adam wriggles his ass, feeling the head of Nathan’s cock slide through his crack, missing its target every goddamn time. Fuck this. Growling, he rears up and reaches behind him, his fingernails digging hard into Nathan, trying to teach the man how to play the game right. Adam’s cock matches the actions of his body, arching up angrily and so hard it’s (he’s) hurting from the inside out.

Adam turns his head a hundred degrees and their mouths meet. His heart lurches a little, the missed beat caused by a momentary flicker of hate cum love. First James and now Nathan. Is it inevitable that he’ll fall for David some day? Jesus, this is fucking quicksand, worse still it’s quicksand that’s dotted with pitfalls and added mantraps. Will he sink or chew his own dick off to escape?

“I need it,” whines a voice reminding Adam of where he is and what’s he’s got himself into.

Nathan pushes a splayed out palm into the small of Adam’s back forcing him down like a bad dog then with one blinding sear of pain that comes from being fucked too often and too hard, Nathan’s inside him. No rubber. No lube. Just a wild ride, reeking of coconut scented oil, endorphins and come.

When he looks up through blurred vision, Adam sees David and James watching, kissing, frotting -- a mess of naked tan skin. David offers him a sip of rum but James goes one better, leaning in and giving him a mouthful direct from his lips. This lazy world of drink-drugs-sex is better than any members only club Adam has aspired to belong to.

‘I need it.’ Nathan’s words ring around his head like nursery rhymes.

“I need it,” Adam echoes. I need it. I need this. I need you.


The hopes and prays
The better days
The far aways
Forget it.


The soft rainwater gushing from the showerhead glides over Adam’s body like droplets of silk. Nathan’s words still scuttle insect-like around the inside of his head. Serenity might well be his ride to fame, success and accounts full of money, and whereas money can’t buy him love, it can buy him this.

Shaking away the water, Adam emerges into the white colonial bedroom with its vaulted wooden ceiling and yet another big fun bed. The world is full of them it seems.

He hears sounds of video games being played from the open plan living area and is kind of surprised to see Nathan lounging back on the pillows, fingers locked behind his neck.

“Did you think any more on what I said?”

Memories make Adam instinctively touch his neck, feeling for the imprints of finger marks. He hasn’t been roughed up like that since the early days with David and then that was in the name of acting. Kind of. Remembering the fight in all its glory, he smiles secretly to himself. Maybe acting isn’t quite the word for it.

He’s startled when other fingers cover his and he looks up and over at the mirror that takes up half the length of the wall. Nathan’s standing now, nestled up behind him, one of his arms curling around Adam’s stomach while the other hand continues to explore the marks that show up surprisingly clearly on reddish brown skin.


There’s no amusement in that whispered word and yet again Adam is taken aback. Nathan’s all about the fun. There’s no such thing as serious as far as Mr Fillion is concerned. Or so Adam thought.

“I worry,” explains Nathan and Adam latches onto sad eyes that peer out from over his shoulder.

“About your career,” Adam adds with a wry grin.

“About you.”

“And your career.”

“About you,” insists Nathan, “Take a look at yourself, man.”

Adam’s offended… in a big fucking way. He reckons he looks pretty damn good for a man of his age. His body is toned to a higher degree than it has been in years, fit from all this sex and thin from… well, it’s not like he hasn’t been eating healthy when he bothers to eat.

“Closer,” says Nathan pushing him toward the glass. “What are these?” Nathan’s hands creep over his cheeks and he lays both his forefingers beneath the bags under Adam’s eyes to emphasize them. “Enough luggage room there for a month’s trip abroad.”

Adam tries to smile but he feels a ball of hurt expanding inside the pit of his stomach.

“These are new too.”

Neatly trimmed nails slide into the grooves of wrinkles that crease his skin.

“And if I recall correctly you used to have pretty blue eyes, not this attractive shade of pink.”

For the first time in months, Adam truly looks at himself and he’s ashamed to feel tears welling up. Leaning his head back against Nathan’s shoulder he allows himself to be supported and breathes in calming lungfuls of the sea air that streams in through the wide open windows.

“You’re still beautiful though.”

Adam shivers, sick from all the lies. That’s one word he sure as hell ain’t. Nathan’s fingers glide over him, tweaking his nipples, dipping into his belly button then stroking and smoothing the dark pelt of hair that covers his body. Still leaning back, Adam turns his head and nuzzles into Nathan, brushing the tip of his tongue over warm sweaty skin until it begins to sting from the dry burn of the salt.

Nathan continues to stroke him with delicate massaging fingertips which alternately pinch and soothe, driving the blood back down into Adam’s groin where it’s been permanently on vacation for the last year or so.

“Beautiful,” breathes Nathan his hand slipping down lower and grasping firm hold of Adam’s hardening length, “Look.”

Adam does as he’s told, lifting his head and opening his eyes and trying to see what Nathan sees. He’s never watched anyone give him a hand job before… well not like this. Nathan releases his hold for a second then spits and grips and all the muscles in Adam’s body tense up as he begins this long slow hand fuck, building him up quickly, coming close to the edge then slowing it back down. Third time he’s on the brink Nathan’s voice is there, whispering, explaining things.

“See, this is us,” he says rubbing his thumb across the sensitive ridge of skin until Adam’s knees begin to buckle. “Here we are riding this wave and all it takes is one little slip and we’ll all come crashing down and everything’ll be finished.”

Adam’s panting; his eyes fixed, almost glazed, as he watches Nathan pull and tease at his cock, twisting from the wrist then greasing him up with the steady flow of pre-come which is streaming out of his slit.

“You want it to be over?”

“No, fuck, no,” moans Adam trying to keep up with the analogous ‘coaster ride.

“It’s so close to falling to pieces, Adam. People know about us. Your show got cancelled because of us. You’re falling to pieces, damnit.”

Adam thinks he’s been falling for a long time.

“James and David are just using you.”

Adam watches the fingers slide up and down his cock in a slow sweet rhythm and tries to focus but right now the past doesn’t seem to matter so much and who’s been using who is fast becoming irrelevant.

“We’ll go home and we’ll lie low and once Serenity has premiered, I promise things’ll be different. I swear to you.”

Adam fucks into Nathan’s fist and comes hard, decorating the mirror with streaks of white.

“’Cause it was never supposed to be like this,” soothes Nathan licking Adam’s spunk off his fingers. “It didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to, did it?”

Didn’t it?

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it?
It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it?



Adam’s fucked if he can remember.


Now you know
This is what it feels like
Now you know
This is what it feels like.


No, Serenity didn’t turn out the way Adam wanted it to but it was enough to allow a trickle of hope back into the dried up well inside of him. The work situation’s not looking too pretty but Nathan sure is, and right now he’s sitting at the table making small talk with the family and fucking Adam with his eyes.

Picking at the soufflé on his plate, Adam relives the night of the Hollywood Premiere. It’s the one thing that’s kept him going -- that promise of things to come. He’s mighty relieved the Flanvention is over. Nathan is too much (not) to handle at those kinds of events. The man’s always over hyped, gropey and kissy and three solid days of him sends Adam on a wild sexual frustration jag that makes him burn as if he’s coming down with a fever.

Tonight Nathan is sleeping on the pull down futon in Adam’s so called study. They have a guest room but it’s decorated in this putrid shade of pale purple that makes Adam heave. It’s been decided that the colour won’t be changing any time soon, so Adam’s (boy) friends get to sleep in his private den – his bedroom most nights now since he’s been finding it increasingly difficult to endure the chill atmosphere that emanates from the occupied half of the kingsize in the master suite.

Adam pushes his dessert plate to one side and chugs down the remains of his beer.

“More?” he asks waving the empty bottle at Nathan, who nods and follows him to the kitchen.

No one says a word as the two men disappear off to Adam’s sanctuary, armed with a bottle of bourbon, shot glasses and enough beer to restock the mini refrigerator. The drinks are discarded on the desk, a bottle tipping and rolling in the direction of the wall as Adam and Nathan drop everything in their desperation to lock mouths.

“I love having you all to myself,” says Nathan in between hungry kisses as he backs Adam toward the door and grinds against him, needy and so fucking hot Adam’s temperature rockets sky high.

Nathan’s erection presses tight into the crease of Adam’s thigh and his fingers tremble as they fight to unfasten Adam’s button down shirt. “Been dreaming about this,” he mumbles as his lips close around Adam’s right nipple.

Teeth nip viciously and if Adam hadn’t developed serious self control from the recent lack of cocaine, he would have come in his pants just from the pleasure of it all. Those lips glide down his body until Nathan winds up crouching at his feet, bouncing slightly on his toes, his hands resting on Adam’s thighs as he mouths all the way up and down the length of Adam’s cock like it’s his own personal chew toy.

Adam wonders where those low growling sounds of frustration are coming from. It takes a couple of minutes for his brain to function enough to realize he’s the one turning bestial. The animal takes over and he heaves Nathan upwards, pulling, pushing, dragging, shoving him toward the futon. They fall together in a twisted heap onto the low mattress, Adam straddling Nathan then dipping down low for more of those sex-starved kisses.

They’re groin to groin and the heat radiating through two layers of denim is mind-bending. Adam reaches down and cups Nathan’s package, kneading it then rubbing the heel of his palm up and down the shaft until Nathan forgets how to breathe. The stored up air is released in a loud rush as Adam unfastens the man’s zipper and sneaks a hand inside his boxer briefs, heart hammering at cardiac arrest levels as his fingers close around Nathan’s prick.

Cock turns him on. Cock drives him wild. He secretly gets off on pictures of men he hunts out on the internet and all the while he’s jacking off, he blames James for everything. If it wasn’t for that little whore’s fixation with him then none of this would ever have started. He continues to ignore the quiet voice that tells tales to him about the gender of some of his past lovers.

Flushed from anger and sex, Adam yanks down their clothing then pulls Nathan on top of him. It’s his ritual defence. How can it ever be his fault if he’s the one underneath? Stupid, stupid, stupid…

“Easy,” says Nathan like he’s horse whispering, running his fingers through Adam’s hair then massaging the tension away from corded neck muscles. “Easy now, there’s a guy.”

The kissing starts up again, gentle to begin with as Nathan continues to relax away Adam’s pent up aggression, but inevitably it deepens, and they rub up against each other, hot sucking kisses the driving force behind those sinuous pelvic thrusts.

When Adam slinks his hand down, it meets up with Nathan’s and they stroke fingers and cocks, swapping, sliding, jerking, slick enough from pre-come not to need any added lubrication.

“Jesus Christ, Nate, I missed this,” moans Adam as they wrap arms around each other and fuck their bodies together in a fluid parody of love making.

It’s all good until the door opens.


The clouds will part and the sky cracks open
And god himself will reach his fucking arm
Just to push you down
Just to hold you down
Stuck in this hole with the shit and the piss
And it's hard to believe it could come down to this back at the beginning


The strangest equation in the whole universe is sex plus terror equals climax.

Adam’s first horror stricken thought, as he hangs on tightly to Nathan and looks in the direction of the open doorway, is that it’s one of the kids who’s standing there watching him do Uncle Nate. How fucking sick is he that he’s coming at the same time as thinking this? Nathan shudders out his own orgasm and Adam holds him protectively as he looks over at his wife with sin-filled eyes. How can he explain away something that there is no explanation for? He fucked his lover in the family home when everybody was in. And worse still it was his intention all along.

She slams the door without saying a word and they both hear the sound of her bedroom door closing seconds later.

“Fuck,” says Nathan in this defeated tone of voice. “I’m sorry.”

“She knew already,” says Adam trying to rearrange things in his head in a way that makes them better.

“But she didn’t have to see.”

Adam sits up and reaches across for the bottle of whiskey, unscrews the cap and takes a long pull on it before passing it to Nathan. Grabbing a handful of Kleenex, he wipes away as much of the mess as possible before pulling up his pants. It feels so very wrong to be half-naked.

Nathan follows suit then reaches for his phone. “I’ll call a cab.”

“No.” NO. The fear of being alone with her plays hell with Adam’s reason.

“It’s for the best,” says Nathan. “Maybe all this is for the best. It was a good move for you quitting the whore twins and the cocaine and now…” He shuffles through the collection of business cards in his wallet and finds the number for a local taxi company.

Adam finally knows the meaning of petrified as he sits on the bed, head in hands, waiting for Nathan to hang up and finish that sentence.

By the time he’s pulled himself together enough to look up, Nathan’s not only put his phone away, he’s also packed his bag and is heading out of the door.

“What now?” Does Adam sound like he’s pleading?

“Call me.”


And in the end
We still pretend
The time we spend
Not knowing when
You're finally free
And you could be.


With his marriage in a persistent vegetative state and his career on life support, Adam wonders how long it’ll be before Nathan stops answering his calls.

Two months is the answer. After sixty long depressing days an electronic voice informs him that the number is no longer registered as active.

Adam tries so fucking hard, exercising his body in a rigorous routine of mountain biking, swimming and weight training. Partly it’s to keep in shape and have more of a chance of getting a shot at a real acting job, but mostly it’s about tiring himself out to the point of exhaustion so he can get some sleep.

Adam tries so fucking hard to keep away from the temptations of the internet but some nights it’s like the addiction eats away at his brain and he can’t stop himself from searching out more and more pictures. Say it. He can’t even admit it inside his head. Say it. He can’t even stand thinking the word. Say it. He’s a married man. Say it. Whose wife won’t even let him lay his pinkie finger on her, let alone anything larger. Say it. Not that he wants to. Say it. Because…

It’s a complete accident finding those particular pictures that are a lot filthier (sexier) than the blurry shot of him and Nathan screwing in the motel room. Before he knows it, he has a bottle in one hand and his cock in the other. Then, once the whiskey and the arousal have smoothed over the cons and manipulated them into pros, he finds the bottle has morphed itself into a cell phone. His cock twitches impatiently between his fingers as he dials and waits.


But it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn't turn out quite the way that you wanted it.


Adam pushes open the passenger door and the whore climbs in. They park up at the rear of a derelict warehouse and under the romantic glow of the security lighting they strike a deal. Money changes hands and soon the whore gets to work unfastening the zipper of Adam’s fly then bending low and sucking his cock slowly and appreciatively.

Adam throws his head back against the rest and closes his eyes as the build up of tension eases away. At least he’s good at his job. Imagining Caribbean beaches and poolside fucks, Adam gets carried away and comes too quickly for his liking.

“What about me?”

Adam zips up and grins at the plaintive question.

“Wrong game,” he says pulling James onto his lap and kissing the spunk off his swollen lips. “Guess you’d better think of a new one.”



Now you know
This is what it feels like
Now you know
This is what it feels like.




Feedback Liz