BEGINNINGS

He wasn't really sure why he'd bothered showing up for school, but when he found himself in front of the building a few minutes before the first bell Ricky decided he might as well go inside. As he walked down the hall toward Miss Jump's class he told himself it was just because he didn't feel like taking a third stab at sophomore year. He'd already been held back once, and if he started skipping classes again they might just decide he wasn't worth it and tell him not to bother coming back.

Most of the kids were already in their seats when he got there. Moody still hadn't learned not to run his mouth, but he didn't hassle Clifford anymore so Ricky left him alone. He wasn't really interested in being the savior of the entire sophomore class, so he downplayed his role in Moody's downfall as much as possible. Besides, it hadn't even been him that beat Moody; Clifford was the one that fought him, and he was the one that deserved all the credit for ending the mandatory 'protection' fees.

When he took his seat Clifford turned around to look at him, but before he did more than open his mouth the bell rang and Miss Jump started yelling over the noise for everybody to shut up. Ricky swallowed a relieved sigh and pretended to be interested in the lecture on some Greek tragedy he was pretty sure they were supposed to have read already, but most of his attention was occupied with trying not to stare at the back of Clifford's head.

He'd managed to spend roughly five minutes out of the entire previous night not thinking about the kiss, but as soon as he saw Clifford again he knew it was hopeless to try to pretend it hadn't happened. There was no way Clifford would let him, for one, and anyway he knew he couldn't forget it. There was a part of him that wanted it to happen again as soon as possible, even if it meant dragging the other boy into the bathroom and pressing him up against the door so nobody could come in and catch them.

That image wasn't doing anything to help him focus, though, so he shook his head to chase it away and willed the heat in his cheeks to die down. He couldn't start thinking stuff like that, not if he was going to make Clifford understand why it could never happen again. And it couldn't…he'd spent the whole night lying awake in his bedroom, thinking of all the reasons why it couldn't ever happen again. Now that his friend was actually in his line of sight it was a lot harder to remember what those reasons were, but he knew he had to be strong if he wanted to save their friendship.

It was up to him, because he knew Clifford wasn't going to give up on his latest crazy idea without a fight. He probably even thought it was a good idea; that it made sense in some twisted way that Ricky couldn't possibly understand. And he knew he'd listen to all Clifford's arguments, because he'd proven practically since that first day that he was hopeless when it came to telling Clifford no.

When the bell rang again he was out of his seat before anyone else in the room, not even glancing back to see if Clifford was watching him as he headed for the door. He knew he couldn't give Clifford the chance to talk to him about what had happened during school; if they talked about it in front of other people there was no telling what would happen, and the last thing he wanted to do was give Moody or anybody else more ammunition to use against Clifford.

He wasn't worried about himself; they'd all talked about him for so long that he didn't even notice anymore, but he couldn't stand the thought of Clifford being treated like a freak for hanging out with him. If they'd never become friends Clifford would probably still be normal – maybe spending so much time around Ricky had given him ideas that he wouldn't have gotten otherwise. He sure seemed to have put a lot of thought into that kiss, though, and even a whole day later Ricky could still feel the pressure of the other boy's mouth moving against his.

He kept having to stop himself from reaching up to touch his mouth, and a few times his fingers made it all the way to his lips before he realized what he was doing. If anybody noticed they didn't say anything; they didn't dare, even though most of them didn't believe every rumor they'd heard about him anymore. They still looked at him a little funny whenever they thought he wasn't looking, and that was enough to let him know that they still believed enough of the rumors to be afraid of him. He could stand to have everybody else in school give him weird looks behind his back and wonder why Clifford hung around him, but he didn't think he could be around Clifford if he decided Ricky wasn't worth it anymore.

Nobody stared at him any more than usual during his next few classes, but he still couldn't get himself to relax. He'd never felt all that comfortable at school anyway, but all morning he kept expecting to find Clifford waiting for him around every corner he turned. He wasn't avoiding the other boy on purpose; at least he wasn't trying to make it look like he was, but he couldn't help being a little relieved every time he came out of a class and didn't find Clifford waiting for him. And he wasn't disappointed that Clifford wasn't shadowing him until he finally wore Ricky down; he was glad the younger boy had finally taken a hint, even if it meant that they probably wouldn't be friends anymore.

By the time lunch rolled around he was almost sure Clifford wouldn't bother looking for him in the cafeteria, so he paid for his food and carried his tray to an empty table without looking around for any sign of the other boy. He fished a rolled-up magazine out of his pocket, pretending to be fascinated by the crumpled pages as he ate his lunch in silence. He was so hard at work pretending that he didn't even notice the rest of the students in the cafeteria that he never saw Clifford walking toward him until the other boy sat down.

"Hey," Clifford said, grinning at Ricky as though the day before had never even happened. "You were sure in a hurry this morning. Have a hot date after English class or something?"

Ricky looked up deliberately, forcing his features to remain neutral so Clifford wouldn't be able to tell that his heart was lodged in his throat. Even hearing the other boy's voice made his pulse race, but when he saw that smile and realized that Clifford was just going to pretend nothing had happened…he wasn't sure if he wanted to kiss Clifford again or kill him. "Didn't feel much like talking. Still don't."

"Okay." Clifford shrugged and picked up his fork, pushing his lunch around his plate for a minute before he spoke again. "So did you think about what I said yesterday?"

And he looked so young when he said it, his eyes wide and expectant, like it was the most normal thing in the world to kiss your best friend and then act like nothing had happened. Ricky wanted to tell him he was crazy again, since it obviously didn't get through to him the first time, but he had a feeling it wouldn't do any good this time either. Instead he just shook his head and pushed his tray away from him, leaving the magazine on the table and standing up. He knew Clifford would follow him, and if he thought hard enough about it he'd have to admit that that was what he wanted. It was better than having that conversation in front of a roomful of kids, anyway, especially when he had no idea how to answer the question.

Sure enough, when he got outside Clifford was right on his heels, his expression a mixture of nerves and fierce determination. "Don't you get tired of running away all the time?"

"I'm not…" Ricky stopped abruptly and looked around, twisting his features into a menacing scowl just in case anyone happened to be watching them. When he was satisfied that no one was listening he grabbed Clifford's arm and dragged him toward the side of the building.

"I'm not running away," he said when they were out of the direct line of sight of anyone that happened to come outside. "Geez, Cliff, anybody coulda heard you in there."

"So? All I asked was if you'd thought about what I said." Clifford grinned hopefully at him; it was the expression that normally made Ricky give in to whatever Clifford was trying to get him to do, but right now it just made him want to shake the other boy. He didn't get it; he never got it, no matter how many times Ricky tried to explain why Clifford shouldn't want him around.

"Look, we gotta forget what happened, okay?"

"Why?" Clifford asked, genuine confusion marring his features.

Ricky had expected an argument; he'd told himself he was prepared for whatever Clifford threw at him, but so far he'd only asked one question and Ricky had no idea how to answer. All his arguments flew right out of his mind, and all he could think of was kissing the other boy again. He let out a heavy sigh and shook his head, willing the impulse away long enough to make Clifford understand that it could never happen again. It didn't matter if he ever understood why, as long as he stopped pressing for something that couldn't happen. "We just do, Cliff, alright? Just forget it."

"Just forget? No way," Clifford answered, a shaky laugh escaping his throat. "You can't just forget something like that. You don't want to, I know you don't."

"You don't know anything." The words came out more bitter than he'd planned, and he had a hard time not flinching at the hurt that flickered in Clifford's eyes. He was only doing what he had to, though; eventually Clifford would see that this was for the best, and then maybe they could go back to being friends again. That was all he wanted; he'd been telling himself that since he left Clifford in that room yesterday, and any minute now he was going to start believing it.

"Ricky, come on…" Clifford began, but Ricky was already backing away.

He stopped long enough to look down at Clifford, ignoring the way his heart leapt at the pleading in his friend's expression. "Look, just leave it, okay?" he said, turning and disappearing back into the school before Clifford had a chance to answer.

~

Clifford had thought about going after Ricky when he'd practically run out of the hotel room. He'd started to, but by the time he got out of the room Ricky was already disappearing into the stairwell. He wasn't sure what stopped him from following the other boy; maybe it was fear that this was one time when he'd finally pushed Ricky too far, or maybe it was just the shock of knowing that Ricky had actually kissed him back. There were so many thoughts racing through his mind as he stood in the middle of the hall that he couldn't pinpoint just one, but in the end it didn't matter. Ricky was already gone, but he hadn't gone far.

That was one thing Clifford had been sure of; maybe Ricky needed some time to figure out that he wasn't just screwing around, but eventually he'd be back. He still believed that even after Ricky ran for the second time, because no matter how scared Ricky was of what was happening between them, he'd kissed Clifford back. His hands had tightened on Clifford's hips and pulled him closer, and just for a few seconds he'd forgotten all his reasons for keeping his best friend at arm's length.

It wasn't much, but it was enough of a crack in the wall Ricky kept between them that Clifford knew it was only a matter of time. So he wasn't as worried about the scene outside the school as anyone else would have been. Okay, so Ricky still needed some time to work out what was going on; that was okay, Clifford wasn't going anywhere. It wasn't like he had any other prospects, and even if he did he knew it wouldn't have made a difference. He wanted Ricky, and now that he'd figured that out he wasn't about to give up.

The fact that Ricky had gone back into the school instead of just walking away was a good sign. He was almost sure that meant that the other boy didn't want to just forget the whole thing; if he did he wouldn't have hung around where Clifford was sure to find him. As soon as Ricky had walked back into the school Clifford had started coming up with possible reasons why he wouldn't just skip his last few classes to avoid having to deal with Clifford, and all he could come up with was that it was Friday and Ricky didn't want to spend the whole weekend torturing himself.

He wanted Clifford to convince him that they could do this, Clifford was positive of it. The only problem now was finding exactly the right words to make Ricky see that this thing between them could work. Timing was important, because if he pushed Ricky too soon he'd just make the other boy angry and then it would be even harder to get him to talk about it. So Clifford steered clear of Ricky for the rest of the day, giving him enough space to see that he wasn't being cornered into making a decision.

All through gym he kept his attention focused on the basketball game, barely stealing more than a glance or two over at Ricky where he sat on the bleachers, his nose buried in some book. He still didn't know why Ricky was excused from every gym class, but he had a feeling it had something to do with his brother. Almost everything seemed to have something to do with Ricky's brother, at least as far as the school was concerned. Clifford knew it would be even worse if the whole truth came out; the rumors would just get worse, and there was no way he'd be able to convince Ricky that it didn't matter what other people thought.

Nobody knew the truth, though, so there was no reason for Ricky to worry so much about what people thought of him. Most of the other kids didn't believe a lot of those stories about him anymore, and the ones that did just didn't know him. Then again, nobody really knew Ricky, not the way Clifford did. They didn't know that the brooding, silent act was really just shyness mixed in with more self-doubt than Clifford had ever seen in a kid their age. They didn't see the Ricky Linderman who could build an entire motorcycle from parts he found in the junk yard, and they didn't see the haunted look in his eyes when he talked about his brother. They didn't know what it felt like to have Ricky smile at them like there was nobody else in the whole world, or how Ricky's hands felt when he pulled Clifford closer.

But Clifford knew all that, and there was no way he'd be able to forget it and go back to being just friends. If he thought Ricky really didn't want him he'd try; anything was better than losing Ricky completely, but as long as there was a chance that Ricky didn't really want to forget he'd take it. Maybe that made him desperate, but he knew Ricky wouldn't see it that way, and that was all that mattered.

When Ricky showed up at his locker after school Clifford was already there, leaning against the metal and trying to look like he wasn't nervous. He wasn't – not really – but there was no telling with Ricky whether or not this would be the thing that would finally make him wish that Clifford had never propositioned him that day in the gym. Then again, Clifford was pretty sure he'd already wished that at least a few times, so once more probably wouldn't hurt.

He grinned at that thought and turned to watch Ricky walk down the hall toward him, ignoring the rest of the students still lingering in the hall as Ricky stopped next to him and opened his locker. "Hey."

Ricky looked at him out of the corner of his eye, but he didn't answer. Instead he shoved all his books in his locker and started to shut it again, but Clifford reached up and stopped him before he could. "Aren't you taking your English book home? We've got that big test on Monday. If you want you can come over and we can study together."

Clifford couldn't be sure, but he thought he heard Ricky sigh before he shook his arm out of Clifford's grip and closed his locker. "Can't."

"Sure you can," Clifford said, pushing himself off the wall to follow Ricky toward the stairs. "Come on, what else do you have to do this weekend? Besides, you've gotta study, right?"

Ricky didn't bother to answer; he started down the stairs without looking back, doing his best to ignore the fact that Clifford was right on his heels. They'd reached the landing between the first and second floors before Clifford tried again, reaching out to catch Ricky's arm before he started down the second flight of stairs. "Would you wait a second?"

"What?" Ricky snapped, pulling his arm out of Clifford's grip to face the other boy. A surge of fear ran down Clifford's spine at the sudden change in Ricky's demeanor, and he was sure it showed on his face. He hated making Ricky think he was afraid of him; he'd never really been afraid of Ricky – at least not the way the other kids were – but he wasn't sure how to make his friend understand what it was about Ricky that scared him.

Almost instantly Ricky's expression softened, the anger fading to guilt when he registered Clifford's expression. He didn't bother to try to stifle his sigh this time, but he dropped his gaze to the floor between them. "Look, Cliff, I just can't, okay? Maybe…maybe we should just steer clear of each other for awhile."

Okay, so he hadn't been expecting that. He knew Ricky was a little freaked out, but actually suggesting they stop hanging out altogether…Ricky might as well have reached into his chest and ripped his heart out, because that was exactly how it felt. He didn't care what showed in his expression, not that it mattered anyway, because Ricky still wasn't looking at him. "Jesus, Ricky, I'm sorry, okay? We can just forget it if you want, we don't have to…"

Ricky shook his head to interrupt Clifford, taking a few steps toward the stairs. "Maybe you were right. Maybe we can't just forget it."

Clifford cursed his big mouth for the hundredth time since he first laid eyes on Ricky. He knew it was true; there was no way either of them were just going to forget about what had happened, but at least if they could pretend for awhile they might have a chance to figure out what to do about it. For a second he just stood there watching Ricky's back as the taller boy started down the stairs. It wasn't very often that he found himself at a complete loss for words, but if Ricky didn't even want to try he wasn't sure how to change his mind.

"Ricky," he finally called as the other boy reached the bottom of the stairs. Ricky stopped, but he didn't turn to look up at Clifford. He had no idea what to say; his mind raced for the right words to get Ricky to change his mind, but he couldn't come up with a single thing. Finally he just blurted out the first coherent thought that came to his mind, a hot blush creeping into his cheeks when he heard the words escape his lips. "Aren't you even gonna study for the test?"

Finally Ricky turned to look up at him, but his expression was unreadable. "What does it matter?"

Clifford opened his mouth to tell Ricky all the reasons it mattered to him whether or not Ricky passed English, but before he could get the words out the other boy was gone. Watching Ricky walk away this time felt just as bad as it had that night on the subway – worse, really, because this time it wasn't Ricky's past he was running from, it was Clifford. His heart sank into his stomach as he started down the stairs, part of him hoping that Ricky would be waiting just outside the building to tell Clifford he'd changed his mind. When he made it all the way to the sidewalk without a glimpse of Ricky he told himself that the other boy just needed some time, that as soon as he thought it through he'd be back. He told himself he believed that and turned toward the car that was waiting to take him back to the hotel.

 

 

Breathing Lessons